after pursuing my degree in history,i'll go ahead and get a minor in major muff-munching. you're not listening to anythingi'm saying, are you? not a word,mr. minor-in-major-muff-munching. - flight attendant: chicken or fish?- yes, i'll have the chicken, please. enjoy your meal. - thank you very much.- you're welcome. all right. flight attendant: chicken or fish?man: chicken.
- excuse me.- yes? is that madame mandira's homemadebombay hot sauce? no way, you know it? habanero and cayenne peppers mixedwith lime juice, vinegar, onions and salt. from the great calcutta salt lake? would you like some? sorry. i'm so clumsy. (moaning) sorry. i have this thing for spices.
(stammering) you have "a thing"? well... you want some of this, don't you,you dirty little whore? come and get it. don't stop. - i said, "don't stop."- okay, okay. oh, yeah? yeah?you like hot sauce on your kebabs, cookie? oh, that's hot. oh, that's hot. oh, that's actually...
(screaming) timed bys a d e l a n w a rsadel_anwar@yahoo.com (boys will be boys playing) smell that, balzac? that is the aroma of higher education. the aroma of young mindsabsorbing knowledge. the aromas... yes. the aroma of that, too. let us make haste, my friend,
to the fraternal housewhere my family name became legend. come on. (boys will be boyscontinues playing) "may driving on the wrong sideof the road, "lead you down the right path. "write that down. van." well, well, well. what do we have here? - percy?- 2:30... taj mahal
badalandabad. wow. it's even more magnificentthan i imagined it. - welcome to the house of fox and hounds.- welcome to the house of fox and hounds. good afternoon. pip everett, earl of grey. how do you do? i do very well, thank you. splendid. how may we help you? my name is taj mahal badalandabad,your newest and proudest member.
fantastic. fantastic. - come and meet the guys.- sure. this is incredible. the oldest and finest fraternal guildin all of england. you know, i've been dreaming of this daysince i was a boy. - champagne?- thank you. since my father, dilip,who was known by his fellow hounds as the womb broom badalandabad, (men laughing)
would tell me stories about his time hereduring the swinging '60s. (girls screaming) quiet. quiet, quiet, please. now, it has been enjoyable shagging all of you groovy chicks. but the further spreadingof my baby gravy will have to wait. good show. good show. and we're equally excitedto have you as one of our members.
welcome. ladies, perhaps you could show sir womb broom the secondto his new room. - our pleasure.- our pleasure. thank you, ladies. you know,something about you reminds me of you. why? - pip: mr. badalandabad?- yes? - might i see your acceptance letter?- sure.
thank you. usually put themin the scrapbook or something? no. not usually. - oh, dear.- what's wrong? this is very awkward. there seems to have beena terrible mistake. typographical, you see. this letter's supposed to saythat you've not been accepted. - what?- i'm very sorry.
but please do pop in any timeand say hello. but my father went here. i'm a legacy. where else would you expect me to go? well, i do see your quandary, old boy. i do know of one opportunity,but it's only eligible for dongs. perhaps they'll consider a taj. dongs are what you americansso eloquently call teaching assistants. yes. well, i am a teaching assistant. yes. here it is.
- what is it?- you'd be a head of house of sorts, for a very elite group of studentsin a dwelling called the barn. - the barn?- an architectural wonder. - the barn?- one of the oldest buildings on campus. - is it red?- no. - then it's not a barn.- yes, but it's steeped in history. good luck, then. you, too. come on, balzac. ãndale.
christ, he's got monkey nuts. - did you see his face?- the barn? i do believe that was the best one yet. - you were wonderful.- that was a classic, pip. - brilliant.- don't you boys ever get tired of playing that samecrass, demeaning joke? - no.- no. another jolly good show.i must say, it is so much fun being me. is that...
(squishing) could someone please get mesome tidy wipes? (get up, get on playing) well, balzac, as mr. van wilder would say, it's not the building that matters,it's the people inside. excuse me.i'm looking for the barn residence hall. - the barn.- piss off. pin-headed squirrelly-looking bastard. sorry for the intrusion, you hairy-arseddipso paddy headbanger.
hey, you're speaking the local lingoright and proper. - hi.- hi, you look funny. - i'm gethin.- hi, gethin, i'm taj, your new resident advisor. oh, i'm so sorry, sir.the house is such a mess. i feel so ashamed. please stop.don't call me sir and don't be formal. this is a very informal settingand, gethin, stand up straight. a man always looks more confidentwhen he's erect.
now, what's all this? i'm a dual major. maths/quantum physics. following the tradition ofthe great stephen hawking, huh? not exactly. numbers geeksdon't have the hottest social life, so i did a sexual statistics compatibilitysurvey with all the colleges in england. camford came up with the highestnerd-per-willing-chick probability ratio. the pursuit of the pink taco. gethin, i think you and i are kindred spiritsin the search for the vertical smile.
- the what, sir?- the vertical smile. you know,the scrambled eggs between the legs... i don't know what that is. ...the sunny-side-upon the way to the butt. gethin: say again? hello. what's your name? - hello?- simon doesn't like to talk. simon? it's a pleasure to meet you regardless,
and i look forward to hearing from you when you have somethingthat you would like to say. how about you, balzac? hey, buddy. did you meet everybody? hey, what's up with the mutt? looks like it's dragginga pair of soccer balls. he's a purebred english bulldog. it's english, is it?that's why it's such an ugly little bastard. - he can hear you.- i don't care.
why do you haveall that pent-up aggression? i'm irish and the englishhave been giving us the shaft for over 500 years and counting. well, time out for a second. i'm indian. and england invaded india in the 1700s, and didn't leaveuntil less than 60 years ago. until then, we were just another one of itscolonies, not unlike your northern ireland. - really?- yeah. that makes us brothers.
(both grunting) i'm dead. so i assume those are real. you all right? i'm sorry i lobbed you in the face, mate. fancy a sneaky quick one? no. no, no, i think you've given me enoughsneaky quick ones for the day. thank you, seamus. sadie, this is taj badalandabad,our new head of house.
all right, me old mucker. have a shake,then, i ain't got the clap or nothing. - what?- she means handshake. right. of course. of course, hi. sadie is a cockney. takes time to understand her.words fit in her mouth funny. lucky words. you enjoying your time at camford, sadie? yeah, it's all right.blokes are a bit stuffy here, though. i mean, i never thoughtit would be so hard
to find someone worthslurping the old panhandle. you know, giving a blow job. nothing like getting your tonguearound a nice fat one. sliding it in and out. in and out. in and out. in and out. milking it like a cow until it explodesinto the back of your mouth. i must have an amazing ear for dialects. i understoodeverything that she said perfectly. so, how long will you be staying with usbefore you move to a better house, then,
mr. badalandabad? - i don't follow.- it's all right, sir. we all know we're losers. sadie: well, round here in this campus we're like crusty brown sheep dungoff an old work boot. that's painting too pretty a picture,if you ask me. hey, time out, guys. you know, a few years ago,i was exactly where you guys were. almost.
not really at all, actually. but look, the point isthat there's potential, okay? there's potential here. that's what i see. you know, sometimes it just takes a whileto cultivate one's own personal greatness. - it's okay, sir.- people always say nice things. and then they leave. balzac, i don't think i will succeedas the sultan of snatch in this place. all i wanted to do was spread a littlebadalandabad butter on an english muffin. well, van, what would you do?
(woman moaning) (woman grunting) woman: yeah. you like that long one, don't you,miss nude america? yeah, you do. miss nevada likes it hard. taj: yeah, scream a bit louderfor more points. crazy room.will you take a look at this place? hey, good morning, guys.
bloody hell. this must have cost a fortune. it's an investment. the coolest, most confident kidson campus are living here. - who's moving in?- the new you, gethin. the new all of you. and to celebrate, i got us an invitationto the campus-wide inaugural ball tonight. black tie only. when should we leave? oi! where are you going? it's being tossed by that royal chutneyferret and his chorus of nancy boys.
yeah, translation? pip everett is the earl of grey,14 spots removed from the queen herself. he also happens to be headof the fox and hounds, who are sponsoring the ball. yes, i've met pipand i really wouldn't be concerned. no, sir. you don't understand. each one of us were invitedinto the fox and hounds, only to be told when we arrivedthat there had been some sort of "typographical error"in our acceptance letters.
bloody right.supposedly the bastards do it every year. - just for their jollies.- this happened to all of you? well, you guys must be livid. no. it's pretty much the story of our lives. the story of...i don't believe what i'm hearing. those fox and hounds douche bags. those pubic-hair tooth flossershave no right to tell us what to do. we're going to show them... no. we're going show ourselvesthat we can go wherever we want,
whenever we want. now, we're going to this partyand we're going to look hot. (rock music playing) so they're rich, powerful and beautiful. take away their good looks,their money and their superior attitudes, - and what do you have?- us? my point, gethin,is that they're no better than us. have some courage, guys. there's an old saying. "jumping off a cliffonly hurts if you forget how to fly."
excuse me, sir.i think the actual saying is that... well, it doesn't matterwhat the actual saying is, gethin. it's the intent. stand up straight. now, where is simon? he said he'd be here when he was donefussing with his bow tie. all right. well, go, guys. have fun.go, my little sparrows. (jazz music playing) would you like to dance?would you like to dance?
would you like to dance?do you like to dance? i'd love to dance with you. so lean, so strong. so virile. do you know i'm not wearing any... lady mulgrove, i believe lord mulgrovewas looking for you over there. pity. lady mulgrove loves her sherry, i'm afraid. well, you know, i've never been checkedfor a hernia on the dance floor before.
i have to say, the old lady's tremorwas actually mildly erotic. would you like to dance? well, actually i have a... a younger sister you couldhook me up with instead? why did i say that? i'm gonna go slit my wristsin the corner painfully now. - thank you. bye.- wait. wait. - why not?- great. - so, i've not seen you on campus before.- yes, i'm nude.
new, i'm a new graduate student. - and how are you finding it?- great, actually. it's fantastic. everyone's really nice, except for this royal jackass named pip. - pip?- yes. pip everett, the earl of grey, is a world-class jerk. - you didn't get on with him?- no. you would detest him as well. i would imagine thatonly another bubble-headed snob
could stand to be in his company forlonger than it takes to suck on a tic tac. charlie, there you are.oh, i see you've met haj. charlie? or you can just call methe bubble-headed snob. so, how are things working outat the barn? very well, actually.the residents are very special people. special, indeed. take it back! say you like irish whiskey. excuse me.
oh, go on. a little heavy snoggin' withyour husband's all you've been wanting. i beg your pardon? you know what we ladies need, sweetie?a good poke in the low whiskers. yes, the lower whiskers,right next to the scottish highlands, a favorite vacation spot. excuse us. - no, taj. i was talking about her vagina.- yes. (glass clinking) i would like to welcome everyoneto the official opening of the competition for the hastings cup.
why do they call it a competitionwhen we always win? the hastings cup representsall that is best in a university. camford's most giftedhave competed for 600 years. and now it gives me great pleasure to introduce the winnersof last year's competition, the foxes and the hounds. thank you, sir. on behalf of my fellow members, i'd like to wish the other housesthe best of luck
on this year's competition.may the best lads win. don't let that little indian fellowput you down, charlie. he's hardly worth putting a frownon your beautiful face. why was he upset with you? i think he was rejectedfrom the fox and hounds the other day. poor bloke was devastated. you know, perhaps i'll have a word.cheer him up. you're sweet. it's all part of being an earl, my dear.
constructive criticism. seamus, we need to workon your anger management skills. sadie, close your legs. we just need to figure outexactly how much you can drink. and, gethin... oh, gethin, sit up straight... pip: excuse me, raji. - my name is taj.- i don't care. i just wanted to sharea little tidbit with you.
when my great-great-grandfather,rupert everett the third, became the first governorof the indian colony, he also took on a band of pet monkeys. but he used to keep his outside.there's the door. please make sure it hits all of youon the way out. - oh, poop?- it's pip. i know. a friend of mine used to saythat if you can't join them, beat them. you might want to write that down. hi, ladies and gentlemen.i am taj mahal badalandabad
- what the hell is he doing?- ...and i have an important - holy crap. he's gone bleeding mad.- ...announcement. and in the spirit of the inaugural ball, i would like to announce the formation ofa new fraternal house, commencing now. ladies and gentlemen, please getyour first look at the smart, the sexy, the very literal-minded,wearing black tie only, cock and bulls. (people gasping) (people laughing)
gethin: we'll never be able to showour faces again. we're the laughingstockof the whole bloody school. to hell with the lot of them. what is with the lack of self-image? you know, we have the potentialto be the best house on this campus. and i would go so far as to say that we could even winthe hastings cup this year. how the hell could we win the cup? seamus, winning the cupis based on accumulating points
in academics, athletics and social services. - now, gethin here excels...- seamus: hold on, hold on, hold on. i'm a banged-up rugby player, she's a sausage jockeyfor the price of a pint oi! and dinner. ...and he's got the bleeding personalityof a toaster oven. so, you've decided to accept defeatbefore you've even tried, huh? what if columbus had done thatjust because of a bout with seasickness? or if babe ruth had decided to walk offafter his first rookie season
just because of a little syphilis? or what if ravi shankar had decidedto give up the sitar just because he knew he'd be able geta lot more chooch playing the guitar? you guys, society has always stifledthose with great minds. i believe in you. and you should too. now, to the cock and bulls. i said, to the cock and bulls.
all: to the cock and bulls.taj: to the cock and bulls. - to the cock and bulls.- to the cock and bulls. to the cock and bulls! why do you insiston manipulating the table like that with the fist, coming down? - morning.- morning. you know, i was rather wonderful last night, wasn't i? i was here, too, you know.
no, not the sex, silly. i was talkingabout our dinner with lord wrightwood. how do you think it went? well, you fawned over his every word. i half expected you to get upfrom the table and kiss his ass. i thought it went well, too. and after graduation,i'm sure he'll be happy to oblige me with a recommendationfor a diplomatic position. pip, class isn't for an hour.come back to bed for a bit. but i haven't done my exercises yet.
- and i have to exfoliate.- i can put a glow on your cheeks. charlie, hello. we did it last night. wednesday. our night. i don't understandwhy we have to have a night. why can't we just do itwhenever we feel like it? because we're britishand we control ourselves. charlie, i have a busy schedule. and i'd rather not tell peoplei have no energy because i was off fornicating all night.
now, which shirt do you like better? mauve or turbot? i like the mauve. but it is difficult with my jaw line. taj: "we have this day given order "to our chancellor of the united kingdomand our chancellor of ireland, "that they do respectivelyupon notice here "of forewith issues of writeffective immediately "that pigs and chickenswill no longer be tolerated "in the house of commons."
would anyone like to commenton the house of the lords journal volume 64, august 1832? yeah. me, neither. god, this is boring. everybody rip out page 32. - sir?- you heard me. you've seen dead poets society.rip out page 32. come on, if you don't rip out page 32,i'll fail all of you. yes!
god, these things are so old,they're petrified. you know what, just throwthe whole damn thing out the window. i think he's plumb sauced, he is. sir, i don't think throwing books outis such a good idea. yes, there you go, seamus. see, everybody do that, and send these books back to the 1800swhere they belong. - come on, gethin.- no, i can't. haven't you ever heard of the expression"in with the old, out with the new"?
yes, sir.but i think the actual expression is... oh, it doesn't matterwhat the actual expression is, gethin. why are you thinkingwhen you should be throwing? ejaculate your book. yeah, go on, gethie. get over it. give it a throw, limey. come on, gethin. expunge 20 yearsof oppression out the window. (glass shatters) mr. badalandabad,might i see you out in the hall?
certainly. excuse me, class. why don't you all read chapter twowhile i'm gone? but we haven't got any books. have you gonecompletely and utterly mad? i don't know how you did thingsat coolidge college. - you've been checking on me.- yes. and, frankly, i'm concerned. and as your supervisor,it's my job to make sure that there's... wait, wait, wait. you're my supervisor?
well, i... let me just say then thati am so enthused to be under you. what i mean is that i'm extremely hard. hard-pressed to... mr. badalandabad,it really doesn't even matter what you think of me or of the textbooks. because if you wish to receiveyour doctorate from this university, you'll have to follow the rulesset forth by... by men who what? who wore funny boxer shortsand garter belts and died decades ago?
who never saw a man walk on the moonor listened to lil' kim on an mp3 player or watched muff-to-mufftriple-penetration cooch-munching - on the internet?- what does that have to do with anything? okay. maybe, that was a bit much.i'm sorry. but my point, miss higginson, is that there is more than one wayto skin a mongoose. history can be about so much morethan random dates and ancient artifacts. it can teach us about ourselves. about our flaws, our hopes,even our dreams.
and all i'm saying, mr. badalandabad, is that at this university,there's only one way to skin a mongoose. and it's my way. good day. announcer: ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the opening eventof seven competitions between our five fraternal housesfor the hastings cup. they're bleeding huge. guys, come on, it's badminton.the game is played with a limp wrist.
how hard could it be? (thudding) simon. you were saying? okay. it is probably safe to assume that we will probably notemerge victorious from this match. however, it's very importantthat we maintain our dignities. gethin, just get the serve in. - fine.- i have an idea.
sadie... (inaudible) simon, it's yours! announcer: game, fox and hounds. taj: it was not so bad. okay, it was so bad, but why are yourefusing to look on the bright side? oh, we're going to bleed to deathof internal injuries? no, we have made an impression. i mean, would you rather bemiserable and known,
or miserable and anonymous? - anonymous.- anonymous. sir, i think we were fooling ourselves to believe we hadeven the tiniest chance of winning this. we're on the board.we're actually on the board. gethin: yeah, but it doesn'tmean anything. everybody gets a point for entering.we're still 499 points away. okay, captain optimistic, you are wrong.this is a beginning. (horn honking)
oh, by the by, just because you're makinga spectacle of yourselves, it doesn't mean you're not still invisibleto the rest of us. that's great, pip, because it's very difficultto beat something that you cannot see. beat you? you and your sorry lotaren't even worth spitting on. diarrhea face. - sorry, what did you just call me?- what? - no, no, no, you definitely said something.- no, i didn't say anything.
- what was it?- no, i didn't... - you called me diarrhea face.- really, did i? (whistle blows) taj: samus there's a time and a placeto hit people. yesterday was the wrong timeand today is the right place and here you can win pointstowards the hastings cup. hey, coach, you need another player? this guy? no way. oh, really?
that's one way to do it. pip: ladies and gentlemen, i'm sure our palates were titillatedfrom the last selection, but i have an even finer vintageto present to you now. i must hand it to you, charlotte.you've done an excellent job with the tas. thank you, provost. it's always been my theory that as long as you're clearwith your rules and expectations, people generally will fall in...
excuse me one moment. sorry. the next cognac you'll be tasting is froma 1793 bottle from the loire region... of france. of france. a fine vintage, as i was saying. taj: so, despite all of their money, all those statuesare actually completely worthless. what is going on? field trip. we're observingthe double-breasted, blue-blooded snot. you're bird watching?
no, no, no, we're observingthe behavior of british aristocracy. now. brb. i told you to stickto the assigned curriculum. yes, and as i explained to you,the assigned curriculum was... was something i felt very strongly about. which is why i propose a challenge. - pardon me?- a challenge. you see, i believe
that my students' academic achievementsare better enhanced through a series of field trips. oh, you do, do you? yes, and given the fact that we have a philosophical differencein our teaching methods, i suggest that we settle our disputesthrough a challenge of some sort. that way, if i win,i can continue as planned, and if... no! there will be no challenges. this isn't a grade school playground,mr. badalandabad.
if you wish to receive your doctoratefrom this university, you'll have to followthe assigned curriculum. good night. i figured you might be scared. the last thing i am in this worldis scared of you. i accept your challenge,which means i get to choose the weapons. great. the weapons? charlotte, is it just me,or do these absurd paintings bear a striking resemblanceto your absurd boyfriend? we are in everett hall.
everett hall. oh, please tell me it's earl of grey teacontained in this. the ashes of six generations of everettsare contained here. well, when it's pip's turn,they're going to have to build a new hall just to contain his ego. shall we begin? begin? yes, let's begin. not bad, miss higginson,but you should know that i extensively studied fencingat the university.
university fencing champion.twice in a row. i was planning on showing yousome mercy, but... (exclaims) what the hell was that? it's the rathbone.my fencing teacher taught it to me. he's quite a good swordsman. ah, yes.i've had a few ladies tell me that myself. miss higginson,have you ever seen the movie zorro? i have.
six times. nine times. count yourself luckythe only thing you lost were your pants. it's a shame, miss higginson.you would have enjoyed the trip. - i'll be on that field trip.- will you? that way, when i have you replaced,i'll be able to explain my reasons. good night. (shineplaying) on the rightis the famous tower of london,
where queen elizabeth i imprisonedher explorer boyfriend, sir walter raleigh, after he was found doing the freaky-deaky with one of her ladies-in-waiting. presently people line up outsidethe tower to see the crown jewels, which were stolen duringthe brutal british occupation of india. the crown jewels are actuallyquite magnificent. i don't think anyone's ever waitedan hour and a half online to see mine. actually, there was that one timeat coolidge. (shine continues playing)
now, this is the area where charles dickens used to observethe injustices of london's class system. "it was the best of times,it was the worst of times." write that down. come on, guys, let's go.don't stop to stare, it's just an old church. on the left, in trafalgar square,is a statue of admiral horatio nelson, britain's most famous war hero. nelson lost an arm, an eye, an earand a leg in various battles. towards the end, the poor guywas nothing more
than a broomstickwith a cute little admiral's hat on. oh, god. that four-eyed geek's staring at us. no, i believe he's staring at me. hi, is this seat taken? what do i do? open your cakehole, you bleeding idiot,and tell her how you feel. you are the most beautiful womani've ever seen in my life and i'd give two years' tuitionto sleep with you.
that's being a bit too honest, mate. you're sweet.you're like a horny little care bear. okay, i think. what's so special about this place? the best fish and chips in all of london.come on. and then, winnie looked up,gazed at me over his glasses and said, "i see you're adept at running numbers, "but how good are you at cracking code?" and that, children, is how i saved england.
wait a minute. winnie? you?you knew winston churchill? well, i'm not talkingabout winnie the bleeding pooh, am i? - jackie, where's that pint?- jackie: coming right up. i owe you an apology. i completely underestimated you.you're a wonderful teacher. so, i take it you had fun today. are you kidding me? i had a ball. oh, my god, the ball. the house of lords is still debating
the proposalon the west end theater project, but i thinkthat we have to come together on this to find a viable way and move forward. bloody bastard! okay, just one man's opinion. oh, not you, lord wrightwood.my apologies. please excuse me. what the hell is he doing here? taj is a friend and guest, pip.
and i'd appreciate you making him feelpart of this evening. you know, charlotte, you're right.i didn't mean to be rude. thanks, pip. "and the fire that breaks from thee then, "a billion times lovelier, "more dangerous, "o, my chevalier! "no wonder of it.shine, and blue-bleak embers, my dear, "fall, gall themselves,
"and gash gold-vermillion." thank you, sir wilfred,that was a real treat. now, as is tradition in the literary ball, i'd like to call ona member of our visiting faculty to share with us his favorite british poet. taj badalandabad. to the podium, please. pip, this certainly comes as a surprise. i think that it's important a visitingforeign instructor like mr. badalandabad
have an appreciation for the heritageand culture with which he hopes to teach. - have fun, raji.- thank you. "there's a lady, "who is sure that all that glitters is gold, "because she's buyinga stairway in hampstead." now, she can't get no satisfaction. no. no, no, no. no, she can't getno satisfaction, none at all, even when she's driving in her smart car or listening on the radio.
or even when she's pleading with roxanneto turn on the red light. damn it, roxanne, turn on that red light, or maxwell's silver hammer will comesmashing down upon your head. turn on that red light, you bitch, roxanne, or we'll all end up in a big white housewith black curtains at the station. or would you rather livealong the watchtower? no. then turn on the red light, roxanne, or i'll have my 19th nervous breakdownfor real. it's the real thing.
it's even better than the real thing. i really want you all to want me. i really want to take all of you higher,trust me. do i look like an american idiot to you? no. which is why i wish you allthe time of your life. thanks. jolly good show. - you liked it?- absolutely.
that young man's presentation strung together the wordsof the poets of the street. not unlike the american rapper, eminem,whom i rather dig. taj: you know,i love the british limerick as well. in fact, i read one at kensington stationjust last week. tell me if you know it. "there once was a woman from heath, "who circumcised men with her teeth." taj.
i'd like you to meet my parents,martha and richard. and of course you know sir wilfred. hello, it's a pleasure to meet both of you. i can certainly seewhere charlotte gets her sense of seriousness from. you put on a very impressive exhibitiontonight, young man. you should be congratulated. thank you very much. i actually owe it allto my good friend pip here, who encouraged when otherswould have discouraged. thanks, pip.
young man, i want youto have a drink with me. sure. excuse me. he's quite clever, isn't he? i think i need a drink myself.martha, would you care to join me? this raj fellow... taj, his name is taj. right, taj, then. i believe he's been creatingquite a scuttlebutt at school as well. oh, he just has an original wayof doing things.
charles, you're more than old enoughto make your own friends, but it would be a pityto jeopardize your relationship with pip. the everetts are a very important family. yes, i know, daddy.pip's reminded me many times. all i'm saying is, it's not every girl that gets the opportunityto become the wife of an earl. i'm sure you'll make the right decision. (jig music playing on stereo) (people cheering)
sir, are you sure we get points for this? seventy-five, gethin. winner take all. i've run a few numbers, sir. their beer gut intakeis almost incalculably large. have some faith, gethin.there are forces of nature at work here. stop staring at her tits, they're fake. roger: they've actually moved upin the standings. do you think that's cause for concern? with that lot?
the only things we've got to worry about are communicable diseasesand fashion faux pas. i mean, really. in his dashing exploitsat the battle of cape st. vincent and in his brilliant victoryat the battle of trafalgar, lord nelson clearly proved himselfto be britain's greatest naval hero. he wrote to lady emma hamilton, "i have always been 15 minutes aheadof my time and it has made a man of me." now, who here thinks that lord nelsonwas a bit reckless during the battle of...
(man shouting) all: cock and bulls got so much soul! cock and bulls is in the house! - all: we rock!- what? - all: we roll!- what? all: cock and bulls got so much soul. cock and bulls is in the house. as i was saying, who here thinksthat nelson took too many chances with... we hereby challenge you to a reenactmentof the battle of agincourt.
we, naturally, will be the english, whereas you mangy verminwill be the french. what say you? mr. badalandabad, if you will insiston bursting into my class unannounced, - then i think you should prepare to...- no, we just wanted to have some fun. i really think you should prepareto get your ass kicked. (all hooting) over there. wait. don't shoot.
you big, strapping blokes wouldn't help me find my gununder this muck, would you? oh, look, here it is. so long, misfit. penny, i just bought these. sorry, lexie, finger must have slipped. hey! you know, i'm sorryabout pip's behavior last night. he doesn't mean anything by it.he just doesn't know any better.
either that or he does know betterand he just doesn't care. no, taj, you don't understand. pip comes from a very important family,one of the most powerful in england and sometimesyou just have to overlook the... do you know what? i sound just like my father. - sorry.- it's all right. look, aside from forgivingall of pip's awful faults, what exactly would you like to dofor the rest of your life?
oh, you'd laugh. no, i won't. it's absurd, really. i'd be one of the world'sforemost archeologists, traveling the worldin search of ancient antiquities. that sounds fascinating. it's not that easy. my parents havecertain expectations of me and archeologycertainly isn't one of them.
as my mother says, "the future wife of an earl doesn't geton her hands and knees." not with her rings on, anyway. how about you? what else would you like to dowith your life? i want to be right here. the university is all the betterfor having you, - and your students absolutely love you.- no, i don't mean the university. i mean, just be here.
what i'm trying to say is that i feel... i feel... (groaning) my balls. pip. what in god's name have you been doing? we've been reenactingthe battle of agincourt. it was fantastic. you did what? i can't talk now. i'll call you later.
hey, wait up. they've been spendingan awful lot of time together. you don't suppose that she and he are... oh, god, no. not my charlie. no, i'm afraid the poor old dearhas a soft spot for that curry-breathing cretin and his band of mutants,micks and whores. you always see the best in people. you know what they say.lords have mercy.
welcome everyoneto the mastermind challenge. the team that wins the challengegets 50 points towards the hastings cup. please wait until the questionhas been completed. percy stole the answers. but don't make it too obvious. question number one.please finish the following churchill quote. "let it roll. let it roll on full flood..." that would be... "...inexorable, irresistible, benignant,to broader lands and better days."
point, cock and bulls. how many members of the beatleshave been knighted by the queen? - i think that would be...- only one, sir paul mccartney. never mind, make it obvious. who is the inventor of the deviceknown as the microscope? anton van leeuwenhoek. who is the captain of the last english teamto win the world cup? - bobby moore.- point, cock and bulls. in what shakespearean playsdo ghosts appear?
julius caesar, richard iii,hamlet and macbeth. in what yearwas the suez canal inaugurated? 1869. - what was the name of the island where...- the galã¡pagos islands. - what is the scientific name for...- sodium chloride. - what is the...- the flux capacitor. would you say something? just anything. - how many of the...- fifteen. - seventeen.- point, cock and bulls.
- what, in biology...- a gerbil. - which...- gonorrhea. - who...- william shatner. nicolae ceausescu. - tell me...- george lazenby. - large dog.- point, cock and bulls. - modus operandi.- point, cock and bulls. you know, this guy is very good. the battle of trafalgar.
pocket rocket. fats domino. more commonly known as diarrhea. (what i go to school forplaying) the cock and bulls winthe mastermind challenge. "in a stunning upseton the rugby field yesterday, "the cock and bullsdefeated hampshire house (all cheering) "to win the matchin final seconds of the game, "thanks to a stellar athletic performanceby seamus o'toole."
don't worry, ladies, i still haveanother stellar athletic performance, or two, still left in me. i have just metthe most spectacular bloke. he didn't look at my tits once. maybe he's a trouser pilot.what if he don't fancy gals? bet you a fiver he wishes you had a cock. oh, piss off, bush mill. taji, i'm nervous.you know, i like this bloke. he's classy, the kind of guywho'd be going out with a proper lady.
i just don't think it'll workbetween me and him. sadie, if you think that this is a guywho's worth getting to know, then by all means, get to know him. money and position make no differencewhen it comes to matters of the heart. do you guys really believe that? - absolutely.- yeah. yeah. pip, the cock and bulls did very wellon the rugby field the other day. if they win the dog show on saturday,we could be in real trouble.
roger, sometimes the almighty,in his infinite wisdom, likes to give a sliver of hopeto the downtrodden and underprivileged to make up for their inferior haircuts and the fact they have to winterand summer in the same place. the cock and bulls are enteringa mongrel beast and we're enteringchauncey avalon renaissance, a direct bloodline to the legendaryzurich von edelweiss. you're right. we can't lose.
no, we can't. particularly since i've preparedsome extra insurance. - ding dong.- ding dong. my ancestors did not createthe hastings cup so that rejects like the cock and bullscould make a mockery out of it. bon appã©tit, balzac,and bon voyage, losers. maxirod. enlargen, manhammer?where did you get this stuff? oh, i accidentally took itfrom my father's traveling kit.
but it says pip everett, jr.on the prescriptions. - a typo.- on all three bottles. look, shut up. how many times have i told younever to take food from strangers? lads, tomorrow's dog show will go downas one for the ages. to victory tomorrowand the hastings cup. hey, chauncey. - pip: cheers.- here you go. sorry, buddy.
man: chauncey! bravo! bravo, chauncey. how're you doing, buddy, huh? you ready to go? you doing all right?yeah? you ready to kick some tail? yeah, i think you are. good luck today. oh, thank you. have a good show. oh, we shall. i'm looking forwardto some stiff competition out there.
i'm sure you are, poop.pip. honest mistake, diarrhea face. what? what did i just say?what did i just say, buddy? bijou caronta and his dachshund, fritz. strong jaw line, extended chest,good firm buttocks. reminds me of a young susan sarandon. taj badla... (stammering) showtime.
and his bulldog, balzac. pip: that's strange. doesn't seem to be working. maybe the pills went bad. well, they worked fine last saturday. my father happened to mention. judge: my god, this animal is magnificent. it was a piece of cake. oh, i really hope it isn't too "hard-on" you.
pip everett, the earl of grey,and his great dane, chauncey. chauncey! halt! chauncey! chauncey. (people groaning) come. chauncey, come. - what are you doing?- trust me. chauncey, i said come!
(chauncey howling) could someone please get hera tidy wipe? how dare that third-world, cow-lovingsocial reject humiliate me? and how could charlie beso endlessly amused by him? your sister. your sister, carrying onwith that repugnant troll friend of his. the world's gone mad, i tell you. our very way of life is being threatened,and i, for one, will not allow it to continue. pip, perhaps we could find a better usagefor your sword. alexandra, you're quite sure your sisterisn't joining the cock and bulls party.
yes, penelope ran to mum and dad'sfor the night. and you and penelopeare an identical match? well, one of us has a birthmark.would you like to see it? if the rabble insist on being crushedinto oblivion, so be it. alexandra, i'm going to need your help. (chauncey whining) chauncey, do shut up.the pills will wear off soon enough. alexandra, why are you just sitting there? i thought you said you wanted to playwith my sword.
oh, right, yeah. (crazy bitch playing) let's party! (whooping) taj: can i have everyone's attention, please. can i have... (music stops) i'd like to thank everyonefor coming tonight. thanks to balzac's performance,
the cock and bulls are now only 20 pointsbehind the fox and the hounds, which means whoever wins the next eventwill win the hastings cup. so now, let's just get inebriated. (nuthin' but a dawg playing) what's up, gethin? where is balzac, anyway? i think he is otherwise engaged. (barking) - taji.- sadie, how was your date?
taji, you were right.he was the perfect gentleman. we had tea and then a candlelit dinnerand then a beautiful carriage ride. - that's wonderful.- then we got scrambled, he yanked off me scantiesand we shagged all night on the tiles. - all right.- let's party. sir, there's a problem with simon. excuse me. what? taj: simon? i have...
i have a problem. oh, my god, he's talking. well, simon, whatever your problem is,we're your friends, you can tell us. well, you see,it's to do with the size of my piddler. your... well, you know, it's an understood fact that a man's piddler is... appears smaller to himselfthan it is in real life. well, you see, that's what i'm afraid of.
'cause according to meit has some 11 inches. come again? figuratively. you see, the problem isthat every time i get aroused, all the blood rushes from my headto my... head. and i can't talk. but do you think it's gonna be... (all scream) - it's...- it's... - yes.- yes, i think you'll be fine.
it works. i'm sorry to interrupt you boystossing off your tally-whackers, but, taji, there's a beautiful young ladywaiting for you outside. i'm surprised you don't get out more. - hello.- charlotte: smile. sorry, i just had to have a pictureof the wickedest party of the year. well, then, why don't you come on in,grab a drink? wait. i have a surprise for you first.let's take a walk in the woods. a surprise in the woods?
well, can you give me a second?let me go repack my wallet real quick. (romantic song playing) taj: amazing. fantastic. the persephone comet hasn't been seenin the english skies since... - napoleon was defeated at waterloo.- yes. - i have one more surprise for you.- yeah? is this one scenery, too? hey, man, what are you looking at?
hi. seamus was just telling me a storyabout you. a very long one. (giggling) penelope?i thought you were gone for the weekend. yes. i was,but i just couldn't stop thinking of you. - you couldn't?- no. that's fantastic. - take me, gavin.- gethin. whatever.
wow. you seem so different. have you always had that birth markon your neck? it matches this one. - any more dumb questions?- no, i'm good. good. there's nothing to be nervous about. just take off your clothes. okay. nice.
take your bloody hands off me. you whiskey-swilling irish blockhead. jesus, mary and joseph. no. dilip, kami and alita.we are the badalandabads. we have come to surprise our son,taj mahal. he's upstairs. if you'll excuse me, i think i'm in love. bad doggie. oops.
i'm ready for you,my little yorkshire pudding. - surprise!- surprise! - oh, my god!- oh, my god! oh, my god! oh, my god! oh, my god! go! go! oh, my god. charlotte: i don't care. so... have a nice flight? i warn you, provost.
prepare to be appalledbeyond your imagination. excuse me. excuse me. - good lord!- disgusting, isn't it, provost? - coming through.- girl: hi, gorgeous. provost? right this way, provost. are you okay? provost, he has knocked that woman outwith his schlong. (punk music playing on stereo)
arey, don't worry, beta. they will get over it. it's not like your familyhas never seen you naked before. okay, maybe not quite as hairy... - dad.- but still. so, is there someone special,or were you just... no! yes! no, i mean... yes, there was somebody. really?
and how schlong... longhave you been seeing her? well, tonight was actuallyour first night together. and already in your bedroom. shabaash, beta. my son is a hound doggie! a chip off the old badalandabads. you got the old camfordchick-a-day calendar, huh, beta? - beta?- something like that. penelope? my little vixen, i'm ready.
honey bunny? i'm ready. penelope, i'm not quite surehow this works. do i get disciplined now? - provost: absolutely.- are you enjoying the party, sir? you know, beta, i envy you. you are just like i was. attending the big bad bone dance,morning, noon and night. the pink taco standdelivering 24 hours a day, free of charge.
(exclaiming) dad! dad! dad! dad, listen. no dishum. - no dishum.- no. i am not a chip off the old badalandabadand i'm not a hound doggie. i'm sorry. i tried to live up to your legacy.i really did. but i'm afraid i disappointed you. you see, i really have fallen for someone,and it's just one girl. just one girl?
just one. i see. so, this one girl is feeling the sameas you are? i believe so. well, i guess we are not all cut outto be hound doggies. you're not disappointed? how can i be disappointed? you're my son. it is watching youcome into your own as a man that makes me feel so proud of you, beta.
come, give your father a big squashy. - no, no, dad, i need another hug.- oh, beta. - oh, beta, i love you.- it's okay. beta, i can't breathe.i can't breathe, my beta. beta, i can't breathe. (groaning) oh, i love you, too. i love you.my testicles! bye. sorry, did i ruin a moment? what the hell are you doing here?
provost and i made someinteresting discoveries this evening. stolen copies of next week's history testin your students' rooms. my students would never cheat. yes. well, you can tell your storyto the disciplinary committee first thing in the morning. you know, it's funnyhow things work out, isn't it? i suggest you start packing, paki. restraint, my boy. restraint. - he's mine.- dad!
camford university is the greatestinstitution of higher learning in the world. we take transgressions most seriously. so it is i must inform youthat you're all expelled. i stole the exam. - gethin: sir, that's ridiculous.- quiet, gethin, this is how it must be. i don't know the first thingabout english history, so how could i have expected my studentsto pass an exam. i admit it was a weak moment.but it was my weak moment, not theirs. well, you understand that this wouldmean your immediate expulsion.
i only ask that you not penalizemy students for something for which i'm clearly to blame. they all have to be expelled.they've already seen the exam. i don't see why the entire houseshould be penalized for mr. ba... all: badalandabad! - thank you.- oh, yes. well, for his transgressions. we'll give them an oral exam.
if they pass, they're back in.if not, well, they're out. pip: fine. but meanwhile, mr. badalandabad,we accept your expulsion. wait. charlotte, let me explain. i've heard more than enough, thank you. i cannot believe we bought into all of your nonsense. but... those kids idolized you. i admired you. but the joke's on all of us, isn't it?because you're nothing but a cheat.
look, i didn't mean to hurt anybody, okay? - if you would just let me explain...- no. the road to hell is pavedwith good intentions, isn't it? good day, mr. badalandabad. (aftermath playing) man: we all know why we're here. let's begin. (woman groaning) come on, baby. come on.
daddy's leaving soon.oh, you wanna give it to me, don't you? come on.i'm trying a different tactic here, baby. i'm trying to be nice to you. you don't like it nice, do you,you little whore? - hey, guys. how did it go?- woman: oh, baby. well, look, the important thingis that you tried, all right? it... you passed? - oh, you passed.- yeah! (all yelling)
what's wrong, gethin? oh, well, this is all thanks to you, sir. and as soon as you leave tomorrow, we're going to get slaughteredin the hastings cup. oh, please, gethin.that's absolutely ridiculous. this is all thanks to you guys. you know, i had a feelingthat you guys would pass, so i prepared some libations. now, you guys were outcastswhen you got here,
and you showed those privilegedsnotbags that you were their better. and because of your hard work, camford, one of the finest institutionsin the world, is now yours. and it's time you get out there,and kick some fox and hounds ass, and win the hastings cup. oh, come on, this again. - to the cock and bulls!- to the cock and bulls! taj mahal, beta, cheer up a little. you will find another schoolwhich will make you happy.
dad, i'm really, really sorrythat i disappointed you. i just wanted to follow inyour legendary footsteps. did i not tell you about your stories,dilip, huh? tell him. taj, i may have told youa slight stretching of the truth. i'm afraid i was never a memberof the foxes and hounds. what? but all those stories? wait. the ones about being thesultan of snatch are true, though, right?
that would be a fine thing.he's lucky to even find it. more like the sultan of splat. one must admit, it can be somewhatdifficult to locate at times. hang on. hang on. why were you not inthe foxes and hounds? i thought i was accepted. but when i arrived,there had been some sort of mistake. a typographical error, they said. you're kidding.
it's okay, beta. maybe this university is not the placefor us badalandabads. come. let's go home. can you guys please give mea few minutes alone? haan, beta. of course. chalo.we will wait outside. guess i won't be needingthat golf cart, van. - how fast does that golf cart go?- what are you doing here? there's no time. i'll explain on the way. welcome everybody tothe final competition for the hastings cup.
(all applauding) now, only two teamshave accrued enough points to compete in the final event. the fox and hounds, and the cock and bulls. fox and hounds, who will represent you? i will. cock and bulls, who will represent you? what are you doing here?you've been expelled.
i'm afraid mr. everett's correct.only current students are... provost cunningham, i thinkyou'll find a reinstatement is in order. - charlie, have you lost your senses?- quite the opposite. if you look closely at this photo, you'll see that a womanis holding the stolen exam papers. which means it couldn't have been taj.he was just helping his friends. don't just stand there, young man.you've got a competition to compete in. cheers. all: cock and bulls!
en garde. point, fox and hounds. - okay, he is good.- you're not concentrating. every time, he attacks from his leftand exposes his chest, that's when you attack. hello. i'm trying. but his lightning-fast blowsmake it a little bit difficult. - oh, our first fight.- just go. provost: point, cock and bulls.
- that was great. got any more advice?- yeah. note taken. you know, i thinki'm finally starting to scare him. (crowd gasps) somebody has some anger issues. let's settle this like my ancestors did,shall we? - you want to exploit me economically?- no. - first blood.- first blood? come on, paki, it's your chance to stick itto the british aristocracy.
pip, stop it. pip, i hate to pry, but do you thinkyour sword obsession is over... overcompensation for your shortcomings! violence doesn't solve anything, bitch. i'm sorry! no, i'm not. gethin. oh, shit.
i don't think you get it, raji.we don't want you here. if we weren't here, who would tend toyour fossil gardens and serve you tea while you pretend to be important,you goron? i'm sure i'd survive, raji.can't say the same about you. you are pompous,you're racist, you're sexist and dress like a dance instructoron a cruise ship. looks like it's curtains for you, raji. good idea, pip. (people screaming)
up and over. oh, my god. pip, that was fantastic.how did you do that? well, i work out, i train.you got to eat right... this is becoming rather tiresome. (whispers) go for the rathbone. the rathbone. very impressive. but bad news. i taught it to her. time to meet your ancestors, haji. oh, yeah?perhaps you'd like to meet yours.
no! father! (people exclaiming) and the name is taj. provost: point and match, mr. ba... somebody please get me a tidy wipe. congratulations, young man.congratulations. ladies and gentlemen, i give you this year's winners,the cock and bulls,
winners of this year's hastings cup. hooray! wait. wait. wait. wait. my father donates millions of poundsto this university. consider repercussionsof what you're about to do. - tell him.- all right. all right. pip stole the exam papersand he got me to put them in their rooms. well, perhaps you should consider therepercussions of what you've done, pip. yes, he's right. you're expelled.
good, i couldn't stand that little snotbag. sammy! lord wrightwood? (stuttering) pip everett. earl of grey. mr. everett, i am... i didn't recognize you. oh, that's nothing. no. i just wanted to say,i received your letter of commendation, and wanted to say thank youfor everything. yes. about that,it seems there has been a mistake.
- mistake?- typographical, i'm afraid. it was meant to say thatyou had not got the position. sorry, old boy. (stammering) typographical. what he's trying to say is piss off, pip. no, okay. yeah, okay. sure. quite.oh, okay. are you sure typographical was...clear enough. thank you. great. beta, beta, beta, beta, beta. i've never been more proud of youthan i am at this moment.
thanks, dad. you know, your son isthe biggest hound doggie on campus. my son, a hound doggie? it's practically rainingwomen's undergarments when he walks down the street. i always knew it that my sonwould follow in my footsteps in the pursuit of the pink taco. being a hound doggieis in the badalandabad genes. well, it may be in his genes, dear,
but i certainly never found anythingspecial, when i looked in yours. are you saying that i'm firing blanks?i have fathered three children. so, what? if our mattresscould have gotten pregnant, you would have fathered six. i am warning you, woman. i am shaking in my sari. i don't need this aggravation. thanks for dealing with my dad. - they don't live here, do they?- oh, no, no. milwaukee.
my pleasure, then. you know, charlotte,you should know i'm not a rich guy. i don't own a house or anything.i'm not an earl. in fact, the only title i holdis to an '86 toyota corolla. oh, come now, mr. badalandabad. you're forgettingwhat an excellent swordsman you are. hardly, i almost died up there.i mean i got a couple of good... - were you calling me a hound doggie?- maybe. well.
i can fence much better than you, though. - oh, really?- yes. - let's go.- you want a rematch? let's go, yes. edited and timed bys a d e l a n w a rsadel_anwar@yahoo.com
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